I Hate Life Sometimes
June has been an unusually crappy month for me. You would think that with my birthday and anniversary things would be good. Ugh. Just the opposite.
As you probably already know from Ayla's blog, she was diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Say that ten times fast. It's a malignant form of skin cancer that's in her oral/sinus cavity. I know she's 16 years old but she's like my kid to me. OK well maybe not kid but more like best friend. This is the only one who has been through almost every single stage of my life: college, grad school, the music industry, depression, to me getting back on my feet. She has been the constant. The vet didn't give me a timetable but from what I've read, when she starts going downhill it will be quick.
On top of that, I did not get the Lecturer position I interviewed for. I had gotten my hopes up on that one too since it would be great to have one job to go to instead of three. Plus I would be teaching which is one of my favorite things to do. Bah. Then I got my "tentative" schedule for one of the colleges I teach at for the fall. I got the only three classes that weren't taken so my schedule royally sucks.
So I figure I'll work more hours at the library and just teach less classes, right? Now my boss at the library is telling me she has people to work the hours I normally work during the school year. Does this mean I'm not going to get the hours I need? I'm a good worker and I got a good review, but sometimes I get the impression that she doesn't want me there.
And people wonder why I've been feeling depressed for the past few days.
I joke around that "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up," but I'm 37 years old. I should have some sort of plan. I want a career. I don't want to be an adjunct professor all my life, wondering if I'm going to get any classes or living with horrible schedules. I don't want to go for my PhD because my heart wouldn't fully be into it and I don't want to waste six years of my life devoted almost completely to it. I'm thinking of getting my MLIS and become a "real" librarian but at the same time, a lot of the librarians I've met are grumpy old ladies that want to make people feel miserable (my current boss is the exception). Do I really want to work in that kind of environment?
Don't get me wrong. I don't want things handed to me. I just want some clear indication of what path to follow. I'm tired of being in limbo on certain things. And yes, I do think way too much on this subject, but that's just my nature. I just think way too much.
As you probably already know from Ayla's blog, she was diagnosed with Squamous Cell Carcinoma. Say that ten times fast. It's a malignant form of skin cancer that's in her oral/sinus cavity. I know she's 16 years old but she's like my kid to me. OK well maybe not kid but more like best friend. This is the only one who has been through almost every single stage of my life: college, grad school, the music industry, depression, to me getting back on my feet. She has been the constant. The vet didn't give me a timetable but from what I've read, when she starts going downhill it will be quick.
On top of that, I did not get the Lecturer position I interviewed for. I had gotten my hopes up on that one too since it would be great to have one job to go to instead of three. Plus I would be teaching which is one of my favorite things to do. Bah. Then I got my "tentative" schedule for one of the colleges I teach at for the fall. I got the only three classes that weren't taken so my schedule royally sucks.
So I figure I'll work more hours at the library and just teach less classes, right? Now my boss at the library is telling me she has people to work the hours I normally work during the school year. Does this mean I'm not going to get the hours I need? I'm a good worker and I got a good review, but sometimes I get the impression that she doesn't want me there.
And people wonder why I've been feeling depressed for the past few days.
I joke around that "I don't know what I want to be when I grow up," but I'm 37 years old. I should have some sort of plan. I want a career. I don't want to be an adjunct professor all my life, wondering if I'm going to get any classes or living with horrible schedules. I don't want to go for my PhD because my heart wouldn't fully be into it and I don't want to waste six years of my life devoted almost completely to it. I'm thinking of getting my MLIS and become a "real" librarian but at the same time, a lot of the librarians I've met are grumpy old ladies that want to make people feel miserable (my current boss is the exception). Do I really want to work in that kind of environment?
Don't get me wrong. I don't want things handed to me. I just want some clear indication of what path to follow. I'm tired of being in limbo on certain things. And yes, I do think way too much on this subject, but that's just my nature. I just think way too much.
Comments
As far as the library degree goes, I have one and I am not a grumpy old lady (I'm 37 too). If you want the degree, my only suggestion is to check the job market where you live. I keep reading about new grads having trouble finding jobs (hopefully it is better where you live)
Anyway, hang in there.
R&T Mom