IOP Nightmare
As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am in an intensive outpatient therapy program or IOP. The thought behind the program was promising: the psychiatrist on staff would work with me to stabilize me through medication, I would meet with the social worker once a week to do therapy, and I would learn new coping skills in the group sessions. I was technically going to graduate next Friday but I may not going back. Why? Well, let me explain.
This past Tuesday, I went into IOP feeling good. Actually, it was the best I had felt in months. I wasn't "happy" per se but I wasn't feeling all depressed and sad, which was a HUGE improvement. Now, the IOP is broken down into three one hour sessions with a half hour break after the second hour. The first session went great as we did art therapy and I found a lot of meaning and symbolism in what I produced, though the drawing itself was rather primitive. I enjoyed what I was doing and felt positive about my future. Going good so far.
It was during the second hour that the shit hit the fan. This was the psycho-educational bit that I usually find completely worthless for me because of all the social work classes I've taken, but I remained open-minded because someone could say something that would really resonate with me. For this session, we were discussing triggers and how to recognize them. It was a bit basic and thus I was rather bored as I know my triggers all too well--can we say stress?--but then one of the women in the group said that "this is all fine and dandy, but how do we deal with them? When are we going to learn coping skills?" Everyone in the room nodded, including myself, because isn't this the whole reason why we joined this program in the first place? In the two weeks that I had attended, which is half the program length, I had yet to learn coping skills so I knew where she was coming from. However, it was the tone of the group that changed and that led to things getting nasty. Others started chiming and slowly the energy in the room turned very negative. People were essentially criticizing the social worker doing the session and were very subtly attacking her. I tried to put a positive spin on things and playing mediator (my INFP personality coming out) saying that not everybody is at the same level and thus the basics are important, but no one listened to me. Thankfully, this only lasted about 20 minutes and then it was time for lunch.
Now one thing you need to know about me is that I am incredibly empathetic, almost like an emotional chameleon. If I am around happy people, I get happy, and if I'm around negative people, I get upset and/or angry. I do not intentionally do it and am well aware that this occurs. To be honest, I was hoping to learn coping skills to help me deal with it as it is not that easy for me to control or be aware of it when it is occurring. During the previous session, I had truly empathized more with the social worker who had lost control than I did with the rest of the group. Looking back, I felt that I had to defend her as I had been in situations like that before in the classroom, but what I did not realize was that defensive I'm-being-attacked feeling was going to linger a lot longer than expected.
Our third hour was supposed to be devoted to "check-in," which is where we go over our mood, goals, and plans. I wanted to completely rewrite mine as I had done it earlier in the day when I was in a much better mood, but things were going to get worse. Instead of check-in, another social worker came in to talk to us about "attitude."
I'm going to break here and explain something. The week that I started IOP, the Powers That Be at the facility decided to merge the addictions IOP with the mental health one. Who thought this was a good idea is beyond me. Addicts have different needs and face problems in a different way. Also, addiction counselors react differently than mental health ones do because of that fact.
Anyways, the social worker who came in was the addictions counselor. She was like a midget drill sergeant. She immediately kicked someone out of the group for being "disruptive" and then proceeded to lecture us in a very stern voice about having a positive attitude. Now this tone may work with addicts, but you had a room full of people with serious depression. How do you think this is going to turn out? For me, it felt like I was being yelled at and as I was already in a defensive mindset I went further into it. I felt like I was being attacked. I had had enough and started crying. It was just too much for me. Of course, Mini Drill Sergeant called me out on it and asked me why I was crying. I told her the truth about me being an emotional chameleon and that the negativity of the earlier group threw me into a tailspin. I thought I would feel better after getting that out. Of course not.
The Mini Drill Sergeant then said that I was co-dependent and had to "work on that," which really threw me off. Me? Co-dependent? I think not. I know what co-dependency is and if anything I am just the opposite. Heck, Bear says that I am too independent minded at times. But again, it felt like I was being attacked, which may not have been the logical response but I was an emotional wreck by this point and my perspective was kind of skewed. Also, I felt that, once again, I was being treated like an addict, which I took offense to.
I cried the entire way home. I cried for most of the evening afterwards. Then yesterday, I had the emotional hangover that follows a depressive event and spent the day in bed either sleeping or reading. As I felt like shit all day, there was nothing I really wanted to do.
Of course Bear was furious with the program by this point. I had already mentioned that I had saw little value in going to IOP as I really wasn't learning anything I didn't already know so he already questioned the need for me to return. Now, this just reinforced things as I ended up having a major setback. I am starting to agree with him. I cannot afford another setback like that as I'm returning to work on Monday and cannot take any more time off. Plus, the hour commute to the program is taking its toll on me.
I'm going to give myself one more day to think on this as I'm not supposed to be back at IOP until tomorrow. I want to think about this with a clear head and be objective about it too. For right now, though, I am leaning against it.
This past Tuesday, I went into IOP feeling good. Actually, it was the best I had felt in months. I wasn't "happy" per se but I wasn't feeling all depressed and sad, which was a HUGE improvement. Now, the IOP is broken down into three one hour sessions with a half hour break after the second hour. The first session went great as we did art therapy and I found a lot of meaning and symbolism in what I produced, though the drawing itself was rather primitive. I enjoyed what I was doing and felt positive about my future. Going good so far.
It was during the second hour that the shit hit the fan. This was the psycho-educational bit that I usually find completely worthless for me because of all the social work classes I've taken, but I remained open-minded because someone could say something that would really resonate with me. For this session, we were discussing triggers and how to recognize them. It was a bit basic and thus I was rather bored as I know my triggers all too well--can we say stress?--but then one of the women in the group said that "this is all fine and dandy, but how do we deal with them? When are we going to learn coping skills?" Everyone in the room nodded, including myself, because isn't this the whole reason why we joined this program in the first place? In the two weeks that I had attended, which is half the program length, I had yet to learn coping skills so I knew where she was coming from. However, it was the tone of the group that changed and that led to things getting nasty. Others started chiming and slowly the energy in the room turned very negative. People were essentially criticizing the social worker doing the session and were very subtly attacking her. I tried to put a positive spin on things and playing mediator (my INFP personality coming out) saying that not everybody is at the same level and thus the basics are important, but no one listened to me. Thankfully, this only lasted about 20 minutes and then it was time for lunch.
Now one thing you need to know about me is that I am incredibly empathetic, almost like an emotional chameleon. If I am around happy people, I get happy, and if I'm around negative people, I get upset and/or angry. I do not intentionally do it and am well aware that this occurs. To be honest, I was hoping to learn coping skills to help me deal with it as it is not that easy for me to control or be aware of it when it is occurring. During the previous session, I had truly empathized more with the social worker who had lost control than I did with the rest of the group. Looking back, I felt that I had to defend her as I had been in situations like that before in the classroom, but what I did not realize was that defensive I'm-being-attacked feeling was going to linger a lot longer than expected.
Our third hour was supposed to be devoted to "check-in," which is where we go over our mood, goals, and plans. I wanted to completely rewrite mine as I had done it earlier in the day when I was in a much better mood, but things were going to get worse. Instead of check-in, another social worker came in to talk to us about "attitude."
I'm going to break here and explain something. The week that I started IOP, the Powers That Be at the facility decided to merge the addictions IOP with the mental health one. Who thought this was a good idea is beyond me. Addicts have different needs and face problems in a different way. Also, addiction counselors react differently than mental health ones do because of that fact.
Anyways, the social worker who came in was the addictions counselor. She was like a midget drill sergeant. She immediately kicked someone out of the group for being "disruptive" and then proceeded to lecture us in a very stern voice about having a positive attitude. Now this tone may work with addicts, but you had a room full of people with serious depression. How do you think this is going to turn out? For me, it felt like I was being yelled at and as I was already in a defensive mindset I went further into it. I felt like I was being attacked. I had had enough and started crying. It was just too much for me. Of course, Mini Drill Sergeant called me out on it and asked me why I was crying. I told her the truth about me being an emotional chameleon and that the negativity of the earlier group threw me into a tailspin. I thought I would feel better after getting that out. Of course not.
The Mini Drill Sergeant then said that I was co-dependent and had to "work on that," which really threw me off. Me? Co-dependent? I think not. I know what co-dependency is and if anything I am just the opposite. Heck, Bear says that I am too independent minded at times. But again, it felt like I was being attacked, which may not have been the logical response but I was an emotional wreck by this point and my perspective was kind of skewed. Also, I felt that, once again, I was being treated like an addict, which I took offense to.
I cried the entire way home. I cried for most of the evening afterwards. Then yesterday, I had the emotional hangover that follows a depressive event and spent the day in bed either sleeping or reading. As I felt like shit all day, there was nothing I really wanted to do.
Of course Bear was furious with the program by this point. I had already mentioned that I had saw little value in going to IOP as I really wasn't learning anything I didn't already know so he already questioned the need for me to return. Now, this just reinforced things as I ended up having a major setback. I am starting to agree with him. I cannot afford another setback like that as I'm returning to work on Monday and cannot take any more time off. Plus, the hour commute to the program is taking its toll on me.
I'm going to give myself one more day to think on this as I'm not supposed to be back at IOP until tomorrow. I want to think about this with a clear head and be objective about it too. For right now, though, I am leaning against it.
Comments
I fully support you in your decision whatever it is, by my introverted self says don't go..