Mommie Dearest
My life has been hell since October. Between teaching, grad school, and family issues, I had been looking forward to a relaxing summer. No grad courses this summer and my teaching load was light enough that I really didn't have to do much work. I planned many days at the pool, getting my house organized, and my entire list of fall courses fully prepped.
Then life happened.
Doesn't it always?
A lot of it occurred with my dad passing away in May. I worked in hospice as a social work intern for a year so I know what grief can do. What I went through was "normal." He was a good man who I loved dearly so I knew grieving was going to be a part of the equation. However, I always forget the "mom factor."
Now there is one thing you should know about my mother. While it was never an official diagnosis, I swear that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you don't know what it is, you should look it up. It's quite interesting. However, growing up with this woman was a freaking nightmare as I did not meet her standards of the Perfect Daughter. The only reason why I dealt with her in adulthood is because I could not avoid her if I wanted to talk to my father. Now with him gone, I am in no rush to speak with her. Why? Imagine someone criticizing every single aspect of your life in every phone call because you do not live up to what she considers being "successful." How I look, who I married, what I do for a living? Never good enough. Mind you she brags to people about what a "great daughter" I am and is "proud" of the fact that I am a college professor. But that's all about her image. She needs to show people how great she is. In private she is the biggest bitch to come along since Mommie Dearest.
(Side note: Growing up, I used to always say "no mommy! Not the wire hangers!" when she got into bitch mode. If you've seen the movie, you know the reference.)
How many people call their daughter "fat" on their wedding day? Yep. My aunt told me she almost punched my mother. I wish she had. It all would have been worth it.
Anyway, as my dad took care of everything for my mom, she is now at a loss. This happens all the time. I've dealt with it with surviving hospice families. If anything, we try to prevent this from happening while the person is alive. To be honest, I don't mind helping my mom to a certain extent. Let me stress that: a certain extent. I live over three hours away via plane. There is only so much I can do. However, in her mind, this is not good enough. Mind you, I have already been to Florida, where she lives, twice this summer. Once for a week when my dad died and another in June to help her get situated. I thought that would be enough. Oh nay, nay.
Every single time I call her I hear "when are you coming down again?" "I need your help with things." Does the woman know how much I cannot stand to be in her presence? Spending my one week off this summer dealing with her criticism is not something I want to do voluntarily. Besides that, it is not cheap to go down there between the cost of the flight and renting a car. Yet, she doesn't understand how we "never have any money." Yes, mom. It's nice to be rich. I wish I was.
Removing the bitch factor, I know she needs help with some things but I cannot do everything for her, which is what she expects. Besides the distance issue, I am still in the process of recovering from the major depressive episode I had this spring. This means I'm still fragile in many ways. Her constant criticism and unrealistic demands would be a massive blow to my mental health. Heck, both my therapist and Bear are telling me to stay away from her for my own good. I'm trying but she makes it difficult.
What would make my life easier would be if my brother, the Perfect Son, finally lived up to his moniker. You see, he can never do anything wrong in her mind and she rationalizes all the reasons why he never calls and never visits: "he has an important job" and "he has a large family to take care of." Mind you, I am always the one who calls and visits and yet can never do anything right. Go figure. I am trying to delegate and get him to play a more active role but he is not used to that so that is a struggle as well.
So why do I just not walk away? I mean, my mother is a bitch. That is very clear. At the same time, though, I want to be the Good Daughter. This has nothing to do with her but how I feel about my own actions. If I just walked away from her I would not be proud of myself. As I said, she does need help and as her daughter I feel the need to provide some of that. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I am doing the "right thing." I need to be able to live with myself, if that makes sense. That's the social worker in me I guess.
I just wish she wasn't such a bitch.
Then life happened.
Doesn't it always?
A lot of it occurred with my dad passing away in May. I worked in hospice as a social work intern for a year so I know what grief can do. What I went through was "normal." He was a good man who I loved dearly so I knew grieving was going to be a part of the equation. However, I always forget the "mom factor."
Now there is one thing you should know about my mother. While it was never an official diagnosis, I swear that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you don't know what it is, you should look it up. It's quite interesting. However, growing up with this woman was a freaking nightmare as I did not meet her standards of the Perfect Daughter. The only reason why I dealt with her in adulthood is because I could not avoid her if I wanted to talk to my father. Now with him gone, I am in no rush to speak with her. Why? Imagine someone criticizing every single aspect of your life in every phone call because you do not live up to what she considers being "successful." How I look, who I married, what I do for a living? Never good enough. Mind you she brags to people about what a "great daughter" I am and is "proud" of the fact that I am a college professor. But that's all about her image. She needs to show people how great she is. In private she is the biggest bitch to come along since Mommie Dearest.
(Side note: Growing up, I used to always say "no mommy! Not the wire hangers!" when she got into bitch mode. If you've seen the movie, you know the reference.)
How many people call their daughter "fat" on their wedding day? Yep. My aunt told me she almost punched my mother. I wish she had. It all would have been worth it.
Anyway, as my dad took care of everything for my mom, she is now at a loss. This happens all the time. I've dealt with it with surviving hospice families. If anything, we try to prevent this from happening while the person is alive. To be honest, I don't mind helping my mom to a certain extent. Let me stress that: a certain extent. I live over three hours away via plane. There is only so much I can do. However, in her mind, this is not good enough. Mind you, I have already been to Florida, where she lives, twice this summer. Once for a week when my dad died and another in June to help her get situated. I thought that would be enough. Oh nay, nay.
Every single time I call her I hear "when are you coming down again?" "I need your help with things." Does the woman know how much I cannot stand to be in her presence? Spending my one week off this summer dealing with her criticism is not something I want to do voluntarily. Besides that, it is not cheap to go down there between the cost of the flight and renting a car. Yet, she doesn't understand how we "never have any money." Yes, mom. It's nice to be rich. I wish I was.
Removing the bitch factor, I know she needs help with some things but I cannot do everything for her, which is what she expects. Besides the distance issue, I am still in the process of recovering from the major depressive episode I had this spring. This means I'm still fragile in many ways. Her constant criticism and unrealistic demands would be a massive blow to my mental health. Heck, both my therapist and Bear are telling me to stay away from her for my own good. I'm trying but she makes it difficult.
What would make my life easier would be if my brother, the Perfect Son, finally lived up to his moniker. You see, he can never do anything wrong in her mind and she rationalizes all the reasons why he never calls and never visits: "he has an important job" and "he has a large family to take care of." Mind you, I am always the one who calls and visits and yet can never do anything right. Go figure. I am trying to delegate and get him to play a more active role but he is not used to that so that is a struggle as well.
So why do I just not walk away? I mean, my mother is a bitch. That is very clear. At the same time, though, I want to be the Good Daughter. This has nothing to do with her but how I feel about my own actions. If I just walked away from her I would not be proud of myself. As I said, she does need help and as her daughter I feel the need to provide some of that. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I am doing the "right thing." I need to be able to live with myself, if that makes sense. That's the social worker in me I guess.
I just wish she wasn't such a bitch.
Comments
Being in FL, I wonder if there is professional help for you to hire to take care of the things she needs help with. We have a visiting nurses program around here.. not sure the depth of your mother's need but with so many people retiring to Fl I would think someone would have started a business to help them live independently.