Mindfulness

I apologize for not writing for a few days.  My depression has gotten the best of me yet again and the meds prescribed by the doc had some nasty side effects.  I'm still not doing too great but I promised myself I would try to write today.

Currently, I am in an intensive outpatient therapy program (IOP) in order to combat this recent depressive episode.  It's only three days a week, which works into my schedule, and consists mainly of group therapy.  As I am the eternal skeptic, I have been wondering about the benefits of such a program for myself.  I mean, hey, I'm going to grad school for social work.  Shouldn't I know this stuff already?  However, there is one thing I am getting out of this and that is learning about mindfulness.

So what is mindfulness?  Psychology Today has a great explanation:

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

To me, this is a very difficult task to accomplish.  I constantly worry, whether it is about past mistakes or what will happen in the future, and a lot of my stress is due to that worry.  I have been trying my hardest to live in the "here and now" for the past week and too many things erupt in my head.  Will this new medication work?  Can I go back to work?  What happens if I can't?  Will I get suicidal again?  While the IOP is giving me new coping skills to develop a sense of mindfulness, I wonder if I will ever achieve it.  It means coming to terms with mistakes of my past and not letting future events that may or may not occur drive my life.  This is very difficult for a person who cannot go a day without a major crying episode.

Still, I find myself working towards the here and now.  When I am petting one of the kitties, I try to relish in the softness of the fur.  If I am outside, I am trying to enjoy the feeling of the sun on my face.  Even when the depression takes over and I am lost in tears, I am thankful for the fact that Bear is my support and he keeps me going each and every day.  It's hard but I am seeing some change.

As for the depression...well...that's something that I am fighting very strongly against.  I am seeing my own psychiatrist today as I do not have much faith in the IOP psychiatrist.  She may be a very good one but she hasn't known me the past 10+ years that my personal psychiatrist has.  It is hard to put the skepticism aside after dealing with so many quacks over the years when it came to psychiatry.  Plus, she suggested coming off certain meds to see if the coping skills I have learned in IOP have done any good.  You know what would happen if I did that, right?  Ain't gonna happen.  I've been on psychotropic meds for close to 20 years now.  I know what happens when I don't take them.  It would be dangerous to even consider that option when I am in the state I am in now.  I just hope that my psychiatrist and I will find the "right" combination of meds to stabilize my mood so I can get back on my feet and back to work.