Why I Am Back...
I had hoped to come up with some sort of witty title to celebrate my return to the blogging world, but to be honest, I am at a loss. Part of this has to do with the main reason why I am back to blogging: I am suffering through a severe episode of depression and a number of people thought it would be cathartic for me to have a place to express my thoughts. It's not like I don't keep a journal for that sole purpose, but then again, I highly doubt anybody is going to read that.
Yes, the depression. I know I have mentioned it on this blog many times before. For those of you who are new, I have had Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) for almost twenty years now. With the exception of those first eight years or so I have had it under control and have been able to lead a relatively "normal" life. I say "normal" because if you've read my blog long enough, I lead a very hectic lifestyle between teaching, grad school, and all the other "fun" things I do.
Over the past month or so, my depression has gotten very severe. I took a leave of absence from grad school at the beginning of the semester and enrolled myself in what is called an Intensive Outpatient Therapy program (IOP) on my days off to help stabilize myself. I'm in group therapy most of the day and see a psychiatrist once a week to manage my meds. I am what in the mental health world is called "treatment resistant" as medications tend to only work a short period of time, if at all, so finding something that works long-term is extremely difficult. This was why it took eight years for me to stabilize when I first got sick.
I will say that this is the worse I have felt in a good ten years. To be honest, I cannot remember a time when I felt this bad. I know it was before 2005 when I finally returned to the workforce. Yes, I've had some low points, but not to the extent where I thought the world would be better off without me. This weekend was the worse as I had passive suicidal thoughts--no plan or intent, just feeling incredibly worthless--which nearly drove me to the hospital. As I mentioned in an earlier post, depression can be a mean bitch. However, what keeps me going each and every day is that I remind myself that I do have a lot to live for: a great husband in Bear, 11 great cats, two good jobs, and my future in social work. All those things keep me going. However, the struggle gets harder and harder each and every day. While logically I know what is going on and the "proper" way to think, my mind refuses to follow it. For example, I know I am a strong person but there are days when it feels like I cannot do anything right. It is difficult but I am trying to be as proactive as possible. I haven't given up yet, thank the gods, and as long as I have Bear and the kitties, I will have something to keep me here.
Now if I can just find a damn antidepressant that works...
And as I wrote before, For those of you who are depressed or think you are depressed, please get help. There are so many resources available out there, so many different treatment options, and so many different medications. If one does not work, do not give up hope. And if you are ever suicidal, please contact one of the resources like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. No matter how dark life gets, there is always something out there worth living for, even if it is just proving that the depression will not win.
Yes, the depression. I know I have mentioned it on this blog many times before. For those of you who are new, I have had Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) for almost twenty years now. With the exception of those first eight years or so I have had it under control and have been able to lead a relatively "normal" life. I say "normal" because if you've read my blog long enough, I lead a very hectic lifestyle between teaching, grad school, and all the other "fun" things I do.
Over the past month or so, my depression has gotten very severe. I took a leave of absence from grad school at the beginning of the semester and enrolled myself in what is called an Intensive Outpatient Therapy program (IOP) on my days off to help stabilize myself. I'm in group therapy most of the day and see a psychiatrist once a week to manage my meds. I am what in the mental health world is called "treatment resistant" as medications tend to only work a short period of time, if at all, so finding something that works long-term is extremely difficult. This was why it took eight years for me to stabilize when I first got sick.
I will say that this is the worse I have felt in a good ten years. To be honest, I cannot remember a time when I felt this bad. I know it was before 2005 when I finally returned to the workforce. Yes, I've had some low points, but not to the extent where I thought the world would be better off without me. This weekend was the worse as I had passive suicidal thoughts--no plan or intent, just feeling incredibly worthless--which nearly drove me to the hospital. As I mentioned in an earlier post, depression can be a mean bitch. However, what keeps me going each and every day is that I remind myself that I do have a lot to live for: a great husband in Bear, 11 great cats, two good jobs, and my future in social work. All those things keep me going. However, the struggle gets harder and harder each and every day. While logically I know what is going on and the "proper" way to think, my mind refuses to follow it. For example, I know I am a strong person but there are days when it feels like I cannot do anything right. It is difficult but I am trying to be as proactive as possible. I haven't given up yet, thank the gods, and as long as I have Bear and the kitties, I will have something to keep me here.
Now if I can just find a damn antidepressant that works...
And as I wrote before, For those of you who are depressed or think you are depressed, please get help. There are so many resources available out there, so many different treatment options, and so many different medications. If one does not work, do not give up hope. And if you are ever suicidal, please contact one of the resources like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. No matter how dark life gets, there is always something out there worth living for, even if it is just proving that the depression will not win.
Comments
I deal with depression. It comes and hits me hard for a couple of weeks or so and it waxes and wanes. Some days I wonder why on earth I think those things, and other days I wonder how on earth I function..
basically, I'm poorly trying to say you are not alone. While I'm not in your shoes, I can totally feel for you and care