A Crazy Cat's Life

For the few of you who read this blog, I am actually switching over to a new one.  It can be found here: https://kittysweirdlife.blogspot.com/ Enjoy the blog!

I know in my last post I said I was going to continue on with my story the next day.  Then, life happened. Ever since last winter, I have had fatigue issues.  I thought they were tied in to my depression as that tends to be the main way it expresses itself.  Also, I had been under a shit ton of stress between taking care of my father-in-law's needs and my own.  When I had the breakdown in late February/early March, it reinforced that idea. Fast forward to this summer.  I developed a new thing: my hands fell asleep way too easily.  It is mainly my left hand with the pinkie and ring fingers.  However, the rest of my hand gets it too and so does my right hand.  I saw my ortho thinking that it was the damn herniated discs in my neck giving me issues again.  He did not think so.  He was positive it was nerve issues in my arms from spending too much time at my desk, keeping my arms bent.  He gave me some exercises and sent me on my wa...

My last post got me thinking about some of the things I have done as an adjunct over the years.  I just realized that I am going into my 12th year of teaching at the college level.  By the gods, has it really been that long?  In that time, I have done some amazing things and yet some questionable ones.  Nothing that truly violates morals or ethics but more of the "why the fuck did I agree to this?" sort of thing. A lot of people ask me how I got into teaching.  Yes, as an undergrad I originally majored in secondary social studies education.  My goal: high school history teacher.  I had a series of fantastic history teachers in high school that turned a subject I truly hated (and failed a few quarters of) into a passion of mine. Then my senior year of college hit.  I had a ton of education classes under my belt but it made me more cynical of the system than motivate me to learn.  In one class, the professor said that we should encourage gr...

I would never call myself a "morning person."  Don't get me wrong.  I tend to function the best in the morning in that I am much more productive at that time of day.  However, I think that is because by the end of the day I am so damn tired regardless of what I do. Years ago when I first started teaching, I was always given 8am classes.  Why?  Because no full-timer in their right mind is willing to teach that early.  The best and brightest students go for the post-9:30am classes.  This means, the 8am classes are the last to fill and the students who do fill it are the least motivated ones out there.  Namely, they were too lazy to register in advance which means they got stuck with the only class still open: the 8am one.  Even when I was a student I avoided that time slot like the plague.  However, my Russian classes were only held at that time and it was a three day a week class.  8am on a Friday is just pure evil.  An 8am Ru...

The fall semester starts up again in just over a week.  I just looked at the rosters at both colleges and all of my classes look like they are going to run.  One only has single digits in it but it is at an extension campus.  This is a new initiative by the college and as they are really struggling with attendance--all colleges seem to be--they are going to have it run with even a small handful.  I do not mind at all.  It means less papers to grade, a shorter commute, and a larger paycheck The only thing is that this will be a Semester From Hell.  What do I mean?  Well... Three classes at Inner-City College Three classes at Rural College Two graduate classes - While they are online that is still a lot of work An internship that takes up two full days a well The thing is, I am actually looking forward to it.  Insane, right? I have been in a serious funk the past month.  Even Bear commented that I have been really negative lately. ...

My life has been hell since October.  Between teaching, grad school, and family issues, I had been looking forward to a relaxing summer.  No grad courses this summer and my teaching load was light enough that I really didn't have to do much work.  I planned many days at the pool, getting my house organized, and my entire list of fall courses fully prepped. Then life happened. Doesn't it always? A lot of it occurred with my dad passing away in May.  I worked in hospice as a social work intern for a year so I know what grief can do.  What I went through was "normal."  He was a good man who I loved dearly so I knew grieving was going to be a part of the equation.  However, I always forget the "mom factor." Now there is one thing you should know about my mother.  While it was never an official diagnosis, I swear that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  If you don't know what it is, you should look it up.  It's quite interesti...

My father passed away on May 13th due to congestive heart failure.  It was expected but it was still a surprise.  I was going to visit them anyways--I knew my dad's time was limited due to his condition--but I missed him by two days.  I was going to fly down on the 15th. I am torn in so many different directions. I feel so much guilt as I missed seeing him by two days.  I was supposed to see them in March but my depression got so severe that I had to go into Intensive Outpatient Program for treatment.  Thus, that trip was postponed until May.  Now I really regret postponing trip, especially since I hadn't seen him since last July.  My dad was my best friend and I did not even get a chance to say goodbye to him. On the other hand, I wonder if this was something that my father planned.  Let me explain: after working for over a year in hospice as a social work intern, I learned that people can have somewhat of a say when they depart.  So m...

Sorry I have not written in a while.  As we are entering the last month of the semester, the figurative shit is hitting the fan for both students and professors. While I appreciate the fact that students struggle at this time of year, they never really understand how much we do as well.  As drop dates loom, I am put in a difficult spot.  While I am told to never "tell" a student to drop a course, I am a big believer in being honest with them.  I have had too many students claim that they did not "have a clue" that they were failing when they receive their final grades at the end of the semester.  So, when the drop date nears, I go through my grade books and put students into three categories: those who are passing, those who are in danger of failing (the 45-65 range), and those who have no chance in hell of passing (less than 45 category).  Then, I send out e-mails to the students in the latter two groups letting them know where they stand. This is wher...

Yesterday, as I was procrastinating about grading papers, I came across two very different yet similar things that I found quite fascinating and yet relevant. On the PBS website, I found an article called Do You Live in a Bubble? which is about the fact that many upper class White Americans are out of touch with the lives of the rest of America.  This has been one of my biggest issues with the 1% in that they think everybody has the same opportunities and they do not realize the amount of privilege that they have.  As there was a quiz in it, I decided to take to see where I fit in. My result was a 49.  According to the key, I fit somewhere in between the following: 42–100: A first-generation middle-class person with working-class parents and average television and movie going habits. Typical: 66. 11–80: A first-generation upper middle-class person with middle-class parents. Typical: 33. I found this to be fascinating but not for the reasons you may think. Yes...

It's that time of year: right after midterms and Spring Break but just before the final withdrawal deadline.  It is now that students are realizing the "oh fuck" of their shitty semesters. I have one student--let's call him Bill--who is in danger of failing.  He has claimed to have some issues with his family that have affected his academic performance.  Now considering that I have been the epitome of "shit happens" lately, I'll give Bill the benefit of the doubt.  It's bad enough that he has missed six classes already this semester (roughly 40% of the semester so far) without a single e-mail or comment from him regarding said absences.  This is a stickler for me because I always talk about the importance of communication with me.  Hell, if you put forth some effort, you'll find I'm a big softie (shhh...don't tell anyone).  However, I really really hate it when students disappear and then feign family issues or some other kind of excuse...

I wish this post was about the normal goodbyes we all endure at the end of the semester.  However, this is goodbye is different. Last week, a student of mine passed away after suffering horrendous injuries in a car accident.  I found out when I logged into my school email and saw the flood of e-mails asking for prayers from my colleagues.  The car accident had left him in serious condition as he had a broken neck, severed spinal cord, and severe brain trauma among other things.  The medics had almost lost him once on the way to the hospital but while they were able to revive him that time, the injuries were just too severe. To say I was shocked would be an understatement.  I had just seen him just a week prior and he was happy, healthy, and so alive. He was such a good kid too.  I remember the first day of class when I couldn't get the projector and my computer to work together and he got up to help me.  He was so polite about it and when I than...

As I mentioned in an earlier post , I am in an intensive outpatient therapy program or IOP.  The thought behind the program was promising: the psychiatrist on staff would work with me to stabilize me through medication, I would meet with the social worker once a week to do therapy, and I would learn new coping skills in the group sessions.  I was technically going to graduate next Friday but I may not going back.  Why?  Well, let me explain. This past Tuesday, I went into IOP feeling good.  Actually, it was the best I had felt in months.  I wasn't "happy" per se but I wasn't feeling all depressed and sad, which was a HUGE improvement.  Now, the IOP is broken down into three one hour sessions with a half hour break after the second hour.  The first session went great as we did art therapy and I found a lot of meaning and symbolism in what I produced, though the drawing itself was rather primitive.  I enjoyed what I was doing and felt positiv...

I apologize for not writing for a few days.  My depression has gotten the best of me yet again and the meds prescribed by the doc had some nasty side effects.  I'm still not doing too great but I promised myself I would try to write today. Currently, I am in an intensive outpatient therapy program (IOP) in order to combat this recent depressive episode.  It's only three days a week, which works into my schedule, and consists mainly of group therapy.  As I am the eternal skeptic, I have been wondering about the benefits of such a program for myself.  I mean, hey, I'm going to grad school for social work.  Shouldn't I know this stuff already?  However, there is one thing I am getting out of this and that is learning about mindfulness. So what is mindfulness?   Psychology Today has a great explanation: Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, ...

I had hoped to come up with some sort of witty title to celebrate my return to the blogging world, but to be honest, I am at a loss.  Part of this has to do with the main reason why I am back to blogging: I am suffering through a severe episode of depression and a number of people thought it would be cathartic for me to have a place to express my thoughts.  It's not like I don't keep a journal for that sole purpose, but then again, I highly doubt anybody is going to read that. Yes, the depression.  I know I have mentioned it on this blog many times before.  For those of you who are new, I have had Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) for almost twenty years now.  With the exception of those first eight years or so I have had it under control and have been able to lead a relatively "normal" life.  I say "normal" because if you've read my blog long enough, I lead a very hectic lifestyle between teaching, grad school, and all the other "fun" things I...

I'm going to be blogging again soon.  I just wanted to see if there was anybody out there still interesting in reading about my crazy life.  Things have changed, with some things being a hell of a lot more interesting than others.  The rants will still continue though as that is part of who I am. See you soon! Crazy Cat

Every time a new semester rolls around, I get a sense of dread.  Students, unfortunately, have been getting worse over the years.  Whether it is due to the effects of standardized testing from No Child Left Behind or the growing sense of entitlement seen with Gen Y and the Millennials, teaching just hasn't been as much fun any more and every semester I wonder "why the hell am I doing it again?" Don't get me wrong, the kids at Rural College and Inner City College are good kids but they lack a lot of the critical thinking skills my students used to have and I am seeing more cases of the "but why didn't you give me the A?  I tried so hard!"  Heck, I quit the Rich Kid's College because I couldn't take their crap any more.  When a majority of students don't even bother trying and then whine to the Department Chair or Dean about their Fs, it is just not worth it. However, today I got an e-mail from one of my former students from Rick Kid's ...

Bailey is doing so much better.  She is scutching for food, jumping up on our bed under her own energy, is purring madly, and even gave me nose kisses.  She still is very weak and has some anal leakage (due to the fact that she is still weak?).  The latter I can live with as long as I still have my Bailey Baby and she is happy.  She definitely has the quality of life that I want as she really does seem to be content and even did the "Butinsky" routine this afternoon when Bear and I tried to cuddle.  As I said: guarded optimism.

My little Bailey Baby isn't doing too well.  Last week we had to rush her to the vet as an emergency as she was struggling to breathe.  After a series of x-rays, the vet noticed a mass in her lung cavity as well as a collapsed left lung.  This meant one of two things:  1) Bailey had a form of pneumonia which was due to the collapsed lung, or 2) Bailey had cancer which caused her lung to collapse.  Because of her advanced age--she is 15+ years old--the vet was leaning more towards the latter.  However, she decided to treat her with a long-acting antibiotic and see how she would do. Thankfully, she responded well to the treatment but she's still no where near 100%.  Each day she is making small progress, a little bit more food here, using the litter pan there, walking down the stairs to get to food, etc.  However, we are being guardedly optimistic.  If, and that's a big if , it's just a collapsed lung with an infection there really is no fix....

It's rare for me to do a two part post in the same day but while both are related, they really are separate.  The first was a tribute to Robin Williams while this one is about depression. I literally got into an argument with an acquaintance today over how "cowardly" and "selfish" Williams was by committing suicide.  It got so bad that I almost hit "unfriend" and removed that person from my Facebook life.  However, as we are all allowed to have our own opinions I figured I would share mine here. Suicide is not "cowardly," "selfish," or a "sin worthy of damnation."  Depression is a real illness and unless you have been there you cannot fully understand it.  There is an old Sioux prayer which states "Oh Great Spirit, keep me from ever judging a man until I have walked a mile in his moccasins." I have suffered from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) for over 17 years now.  Wow. It's hard to believe it has bee...

The apparent suicide of Robin Williams has really hit me hard in the last few hours.  He was a great comedian and actor and a good spirit who brought joy to millions of people over the years.  Why his death has hit me so hard is why I am sitting here writing a blog post at 4am. I remember Williams going back to the late 1970s--yes I'm that old--when he first appeared as the alien Mork on Happy Days .  [Now how many of you remember the fact that Mork made his first appearance on that show?  I'm such a wealth of useless information.]  I loved watching Mork & Mindy and loved going "nanu, nanu" to all of my friends at the time.  While I never had the opportunity to watch him perform live, I had seen quite a bit of his standup over the years on HBO specials, of which his "LIVE on Broadway" from 2002 was my favorite.  His earlier work was plagued with tales of drugs and alcohol, which seemed fitting for the late 70s/early 80s, but he had more mature c...